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Category Archives: Impossible

Five Years On ~ Missing Dad: Day 1, continued

11 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Accountability, Action, Aging, Anxiety, Ask, bereavement, Care, Caregiving, Commitment, Community, Compassion, Courage, Death, Diligence, Discipline, Discouragement, Distress, Do Your Best, Doubt, Empathy, Endurance, Energy, Faithfulness, Family, Father, Father's Day, Fear, Filial Piety, God, God Is Love, Grace, Gratitude, Grief, Honor, Hope, Impossible, Kindness, Life, Light, Listen, Loss, Love, Marriage, Mercy, Mindfulness, Mourning, Neighbor, Neighborhood, Pain, Path, Patience, Peace, Police, Prayer, Protection, Providence, Quiet, Regret, Resolve, Safety, Service, Share, Sorrow, Stories, Story, Strength, Sympathy, Tenderness, Thanks, The Book of Life, Time, Trouble, Trust, Truth, Understanding, Wait, Walk, Wherever I Go, Will, Work

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caregiving, Come to Me, Duty, elderly parents, faith, family, father, friends, grief, home, hope, joy, loss, love, Matthew 11:28, mercy, missing, Missing Dad, missing persons, parents, patience, prayer, responsibility, search, search dogs, siblings, strength, trust

The police meet Vee and Glenn at Dad’s house. They call me for details about Dad and where he would be likely to go. They want to know where he shops, where he banks, if he has friends he liked to see, who his doctor and dentist are, which area schools are the ones Alyssa has attended (since he had shown up at her elementary school in his pajamas just eight days before), what church he attends, and anything else that might help.
I told them everything I could think of; I told them things I didn’t realize I knew. They thanked me and said they’d be in touch.

I have to leave soon, to go to work; I am the manager-in-training at the Papyrus flagship store on Broadway and 76th Street in Manhattan. I am scheduled for noon until closing, which means I need to be on the 10:33 train. I would call out if we weren’t so short-staffed. As it is, our full-time keyholder, Mary, will be alone until I get there. Emery has a travel day and is going to be at both of his other stores giving performance reviews. Jacque isn’t scheduled until four, and since her review is supposed to be at the Columbus Avenue store, she probably isn’t even going to get to Broadway until almost five.
If I call out, Mary will be alone either until Jacque comes in, or until Emery can get there. That just won’t work—that store is just too busy, and cannot run with only one person on the floor for six hours—is there anybody else who can cover me on short notice? No. (So, what would happen if I got hit by a truck on the way there? Would they find someone then?) I’ve managed the floor by myself for hours, or worked a thirteen-hour open-to-close shift when staff calls out or just doesn’t show up; that’s precisely why I don’t do that to other people. Not even today, with this good a reason.

I call Mary on my way to the train to tell her my father is missing. She said, “Oh, did they find him?” I said, NO, HE IS MISSING. No one knows where he is.
I text Emery to let him know what is going on. I add that I am on my way in, but that someone else will have to close with Jacque if my father doesn’t turn up soon.
I get to Penn before eleven. I have no news from anyone. I have enough time to try to find a charger for my phone. I hadn’t charged it the night before and I’ve been on it almost the whole morning. I take the local to 79th Street, stop at the T-Mobile store to see if I can find what I need. No dice—the sales associate practically laughs at my three-year-old no-frills Samsung. I try the electronics store across the street. They don’t have one either, but I do replace my broken watchstrap with a new black leather one.
I get to the store by 11:30, clock in, tell Mary there still hasn’t been news, and try to concentrate on my tasks at hand.
I never bring my cellphone on to the sales floor, but I make an exception this day. I am fielding texts from my sisters asking if there is any news, while I am emailing back and forth with my district manager and Corporate about a man who had attempted to make a fraudulent return in our store. In between, I am ringing up Father’s Day cards for customers.

Frank checks in with me a couple of times, to see if I’ve heard anything, to hear how I sound. He knows me better than anyone else on God’s green earth. He can pick things up in my voice that even I don’t know are there. Such are the blessings of a long-term happy marriage.
“Hi Claud. Anything new?” (Are you okay? Tell me how you are really doing.)
“I haven’t heard anything from anyone. I’m going to Port Authority after work, in case Dad got on a bus.” (I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do.)
“Please take care of yourself.”

I have Mary take her lunch break at 2, and hope I don’t have to flee while she is gone.
Emery calls to check and see how I am doing.
“No news. Yes, thank you for offering, please come and close the store with Jacque. I don’t know where my father is, and I don’t know what is happening.”
I haven’t really taken a break this day. Jacque comes in at 4:40. Mary leaves at 5:20.
Emery comes at around 6. I tell him that I am taking a sick day the next day, either to go looking for my dad, or to recuperate from the stress of this day, depending.
Then, I am out the door.

I grab a cab on Broadway, and I call home from my cell as the cab makes its way downtown. I am going to Port Authority on the small chance that somehow, my dad tried to come to see me in New York. Maybe he waited at our old bus stop, got on the 113S bus, got out at Port Authority and…. what? Did I really think he could find his way to the 7 train, go to Corona, or to Flushing? No, I didn’t. But in case he did, I need to tell the cops to be on the lookout.

I hear the worry in my husband’s voice. I have to do this anyway. My mind’s ear hears him saying, “Come home now” when what he is really saying out loud is good luck, be careful.
The cabdriver has overheard my conversation, and asks me if I am okay. I tell him my dad disappeared that morning and has been missing all day. I tell him why I am going to Port Authority. He asks me my father’s name so he can keep him in his prayers. We take the turn east on to 42nd Street, past Holy Cross Church, and at the southwest corner of 8th Avenue, he lets me out.

I find the police station in the terminal. I speak to the desk sergeant, who asks me to take a seat and wait for the officer who will help me. She is very understanding and kind—she has heard this story before (but it was never my story before).
I give her a description of my father. I pull out the wallet-sized studio photo of my whole family that my brother had set up for Dad’s 80th birthday. She photocopies it. When she comes back, I tell her that the day we took the photo was the first time in twelve years that we had all been under the same roof. The only other picture I have of Dad in my wallet is the one from December 1972, with him and Frank and me all dressed up for a gala dinner dance celebrating Our Lady of Sorrows’ 100th anniversary. In that picture, Dad is five years younger than I am now.
The officer reassures me that if Dad makes his way into the system, I will be notified. They will keep an eye out for him.

I call my mom’s best friend, Thea, as I am leaving the police station—she works at the 110th Precinct in Corona, our old neighborhood. She still lives next door to the house I grew up in, on 42nd Avenue. She will put the word out at the 110, just in case Dad somehow finds his way “home” to Corona. As soon as her husband hears the news about my dad, he takes a folding chair downstairs and sets it up in front of his building. He will wait there until about midnight, until he is exhausted and has to go upstairs to sleep. He is determined that, if my father comes walking down 42nd Avenue, he will intercept him and return him safely to Union, New Jersey.

It is 7 PM and Dad has been missing for eleven hours now. I call Frank and tell him I am done at Port Authority.

“Come home”, he says, “You’ve done all you can for now. Just come home.”

I won’t find this out for a while yet, but throughout the day, Frank has been trying to find ways to help me. Friday is one of his days at NYU’s School of Medicine, where he is the computer tech for a research group in the Psychiatry department. He has been asking the doctors who work there how he can best help me through whatever is coming.
On his way home from work that Friday, he goes up to a police officer and tells him about my missing dad. The cop gives him an outline of what to expect and when, if Dad isn’t found on the first day. Frank is taking the long view; he already knows that if Dad isn’t found before nightfall, the outcome is unlikely to be positive.
It will be longer before I come to that realization.

When I get to Penn, I stop into the police station on the Long Island Railroad concourse, and tell them my story. They are very kind and, as the Port Authority police did, they take down my information. I get on the 7:49 Port Washington train to go home.

I get in at about twenty past eight. Frank has dinner waiting for me, keeping warm on the stove. I eat, we talk. Unless we hear something tonight or early tomorrow, I will go to New Jersey in the morning to search for Dad. I will be with Barbara, George, and Alyssa. They, and Glenn, and Alyssa’s boyfriend Kevin have walked the woods by the house and near the Washington School several times already to see if they can find any sign at all of Dad.

After dinner, I turn on my computer. All of us sibs and spouses discuss next steps by email. Nancy and her husband, Chris, are thinking of coming up, but I think it’s better if they stay in Maryland for the time being. Their eleven-year-old son, Grant, still has another week or so of school. Nancy and Janet (who lives two doors down from her, with her husband Walter and their four cats) can make calls from home—they will call hospitals, senior centers, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, urgent care centers, clinics, and any other place they can think of to see if there are any John Does matching Dad’s description.

I send this email to everyone in my address book:
Subject: Prayer request – my dad is missing
Date: Jun 12, 2010 12:12 AM
Hi friends,
My 88 year old dad wandered off from his home and has been missing since 8AM Friday morning. He was gone when his morning caregiver arrived. Our extended family and friends and the Union County police are looking for him. I visited the station at Port Authority and talked to the PA police (just in case he got on a bus, but I doubt it). I notified a friend of mine who works in our old home precinct in Corona (just in case he tries to go back “home”).
Please just keep us in your prayers.
Thanks so much~
~Claudia & family

I am emailed and talked and texted out. It’s time to sleep now, and I will sleep the sleep of a loving daughter exhausted by grief and worry.

My father has been missing for more than sixteen hours. It’s dark out. He is almost always cold, even on hot summer days. I try not to think about this. I do not succeed.

All of us, at Dad's 80th birthday.

All of us, at Dad’s 80th birthday.


 

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December 6th ~ Confidence

06 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Appreciation, Ask, Believe, Confidence, Courage, Discouragement, Do Your Best, Fear, Fearlessness, Help, Impossible, Sorrow, spiritual struggle, Strength, Trust, Will, Work

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confidence, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, faith, fearlessness, help, Illuminations, patience, persistence, responsibility, strength, trust, We are never without help

120614WPQ


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Empathy

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in a better world, Accountability, Action, Aggression, America, Anxiety, Courage, Death, Duty, Empathy, Family, Father, Fear, Fire, Grief, Impossible, Inevitability, Injustice, Justice, Law, Light, Listen, Loss, Mother, Mourning, Pain, Police, Poor, Prejudice, Public Safety, Safety, Self-restraint, Strength, Suffering, Trouble, Truth

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Akai Gurley, Amadou Diallo, community, death, empathy, Eric Garner, excuse, explanation, Ferguson, I get it, indictment, Michael Brown, Officer Darren Wilson, police, police brutality, police violence, Sean Bell, senseless violence, Trayvon Martin, violence

If you’re REALLY confused about why people are upset to the point of reacting with senseless violence against the lack of an indictment for Officer Wilson in ‪#‎Ferguson‬, try empathy.

What if, every time your son/husband/father/boyfriend/nephew (because it’s almost always boys and men who are shot and killed) went outside into the world, you wondered if he were ever coming home?
And every day of your life, this was your fear.

Now consider this: in the space of a month, or a year, or a decade, or a century or two, there are a series of shootings and killings by the people who are charged to protect and serve ALL of your community.

Imagine now that the victims of those shootings and killings have ALL been white men, or ALL been Hispanic men, or ALL been Asian men, or ALL been Aleutian men, or ALL been American Indian men, or ALL been Hasidic Jews, or ALL been part of whatever community or ethnic group YOU belong to.

Imagine now that these killings have all gone on for YEARS; and, there is also a long history of YOUR community getting the wrong end of the stick from the rest of society, not for a few months, but for a few centuries.

Imagine now that the majority of the people who do not live in your community, which is suffering from the disproportionate killing, assault, and imprisoning of your young men– those people wonder why you are in pain, and wonder why that pain might express itself in violence, and wonder why that violence might be at times self-directed or seemingly senseless and self-destructive.

EMPATHY is called for here, not simply sympathy.
IMAGINE: YOU are Michael Brown’s father; YOU are Akai Gurley’s girlfriend; YOU are Eric Garner’s children; YOU are Trayvon Martin’s parents; YOU are Sean Bell’s fiancee; YOU are Amadou Diallo’s mother.
These dead men, these children of God (just like you), were flawed humans (just like you) who had people who loved them (just like you), had friends, classmates, neighbors, plans, dreams, hopes (just like you).

I want you to consider whether at some point, at some point when your pain and grief and RIGHTEOUS anger at your terrible loss and your seemingly hopeless situation and the risk you run by simply stepping out your front door into the outside world, compounded by the lack of simple fellow feeling by people who do not live the life you live everyday and cannot even imagine doing so– what incredible restraint would it take not to eventually erupt in fists, gunshot, and fire?

Where is all of that grief, anger, loss, frustration, neglect and pain supposed to go?

This essay is not meant to be an excuse for looting or rioting or violent demonstrations; it’s meant to be an explanation for why that might occur even under the best of circumstances (which these times are not). It is a call for empathy, for feeling another’s pain as though it were your own, and understanding what that experience of unrelenting pain can do to a human community. ‪#‎IGetIt‬


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November 13th ~ Bear It (Bittersweet)

13 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Anxiety, Believe, Blessings in Disguise, Care, Comfort, Complaint, Concern, Counterintuitive, Darkness, Divine, Evenness, Faithfulness, Forbearance, Grief, Growth, Impossible, In the Moment, Pain, Patience, Quiet, Silence, Trouble, Unhappy, Wait

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Bear it, Bittersweet, comfort, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, faith, God, grief, Illuminations, patience, quiet, responsibility, silent, strength, trouble, trust, unhappy

111314PQ

The vine that twines around these verses is (appropriately) called Bittersweet.


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October 13th ~ Be Patient with Yourself

13 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Accountability, Advice, Believe, Blessings, Blessings in Disguise, Calm, Confidence, Contentment, Courage, Desire, Discernment, Discipline, Do Your Best, Evenness, Faithfulness, Good and Evil, Grace, Gratitude, Growth, Happiness, Heart, Hurry, Impossible, Listen, Patience, Power, Providence, Safety, Strength, Success, Trust, Truth, Wait

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daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, faith, faithfulness, God, Illuminations, patience, Spiritual strength, strength, trust

101314PQ


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September 8th ~ How to See the Face of God

08 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in a better world, Acceptance, Accountability, Attentiveness, Believe, Brotherly Love, Care, Compassion, Darkness, Diligence, Discipline, Duty, Faithfulness, Filial Piety, Generosity, God Is Love, Grace, Growth, Impossible, Kindness, Light, Listen, Love, Loving-kindness, Mercy, Neighbor, Patience, Possible, Selfishness, Selflessness, Suffering, Sustenance, Sympathy, Truth, Worthy

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compassion, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, Duty, empathy, faith, God, gratitude, Illuminations, Lord who is my neighbor, love, patience, responsibility, selfishness, Selflessness, strength, sympathy, unselfishness

090814PQ________________________________________________________________
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August 9th ~ (Im)Possible

09 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in a better world, Acceptance, Advice, Ask, Believe, Courage, Desire, Diligence, Discernment, Epiphany, Faith, God, Grace, Help, Illumination, Impossible, Kindness, Passion, Persistence, Possible, Providence, Strength, Success, Teach, The Future, Trust, Wait, Will

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daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, equation, faith, fearlessness, God, gratitude, Illuminations, impossible, persistence, possible, responsibility, strength, stubbornness, trust, work

080914WPQ

Here’s the equation:
POSSIBLE = IMPOSSIBLE – IM (+ GOD)
_________________________________________________________________
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