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CKSWarriorQueen

Category Archives: Disappointment

Five Years On ~ Missing Dad: Day 4

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Accountability, Action, Aging, Ask, Attention, Believe, bereavement, Care, Caregiving, Change, Comfort, Commitment, Community, Compassion, Constancy, Courage, daily, Diligence, Disappointment, Discouragement, Distress, Do Your Best, Doubt, Duty, Empathy, Faithfulness, Family, Father, Father's Day, Fear, Filial Piety, God, God Is Love, Grace, Gratitude, Grief, Help, Honor, Hope, Kindness, Light, Listen, Loss, Love, Memories, Mercy, Mindfulness, Mourning, Pain, Patience, Persistence, Prayer, Protection, Providence, Resolve, Rest, Strength, Suffering, Sustenance, Teach, Tenderness, Thanks, Time, Trouble, Trust, Truth, Wait, Walk, Way, Wherever I Go

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caregiving, communities, doggedness, elderly parents, faith, family, father, friends, God, grief, home, hope, loss, love, mercy, Missing Dad, missing persons, patience, persistence, prayer, responsibility, search dogs, siblings, strength, trust

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Dad has been missing for over seventy-two hours; sometime soon, I will switch from counting hours to counting days, but not yet.
Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon. I have to make some calls before I leave. I’ll be on the 9:47AM LIRR to Penn, and pick up the 10:37 NJT train to Roselle Park. That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven. I’ll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave, and to get a couple of things done at Dad’s before Janet and Wally arrive.
Every single second is precious and must be used to a purpose.

I call the UCPD. The dispatcher recognizes my voice. I ask to speak to the desk sergeant. I verify that the new platoon has my dad’s photo. I tell them we are continuing our search today, and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in.
I want to know when they are going to start using search dogs. I still don’t know that search dogs are used when they are pretty sure that they are looking for a body.
I realize that I have not yet called my mother-in-law to tell her about my missing father. I have to do this before I leave, or it will prey on me all day.
“Hi Mom, it’s Claud.”
“Oh, Claud–how are you, dear?”
And I tell her that Dad went for a walk on Friday morning and no one has seen him since.
She wails, “Oh that poor man! All alone out there…”
I can’t listen. I love her, and would have spared her this news if I didn’t feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome. But, I have my own burden of fear to carry, and it is heavy enough. I detach myself carefully, tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search, and promise to keep her informed.

Next, I call Meals-on-Wheels and suspend Dad’s deliveries, pending…whatever happens. When I tell them he went missing on Friday, they tell me he was there at the house when they delivered his meal on Friday at about half past one.
I already know it wasn’t my father who received the meal; it was Glenn who accepted it from the delivery lady. He was talking to the detectives in Dad’s dining room when she rang the doorbell.

George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park. As we edge out of the parking lot, I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely. They both nod for me to go ahead.
“I think that if we find Dad, we won’t find him alive. We may not ever find him at all. He’s been gone too long.”
Glenn says that he didn’t want to be the first one to say that, but he agrees. So does George. They are both relieved that I have said this out loud. I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves. He isn’t sure. I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A&P parking lot on Sunday, when I asked about Alyssa.

I really want the UCPD to search the woods with dogs at this point. We have covered all the obvious places, and the less obvious places, many times over; we need help to get to the places we can’t reach.

We get to Dad’s and open up the windows to air it out. The weather’s been beautiful since Dad disappeared; there was only a brief shower on Saturday, late afternoon; otherwise, it’s been sunny and not too hot. Glenn’s been taking care of the mail over the weekend, not letting it pile up on the porch. The neighbors all know about Dad, and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves. Ron, the neighbor across the street, tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth; maybe Dad is there. George’s neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too. Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend. None of the neighbors, or the shopkeepers, or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning. It’s like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air.

I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day. Finally, I get to speak to them briefly. They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses. I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend. Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner, Detective Ken Elliot, canvassed, we had already covered. He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union. And they had fewer leads than we did—they had no sightings at all. They hadn’t come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday, or since.

They will keep up the investigation, and the platoons of patrolmen will keep looking for Dad; by tomorrow, if there’s no progress, they will call in the search dogs.

Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning; Nancy, Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon. Barbara is at work, and Alyssa is at school. John is flying in on Thursday. I am going home to rest for a day, and go back to work on Wednesday, unless of course Dad is found.

Wally drives me to the station, and I make my way home, Roselle to Newark to Penn to Murray Hill. I am exhausted, disappointed, frightened, resigned; I am struggling to keep a glimmer of hope alive in me but it is nearly impossible for me to do so.

When I get home, I tell Frank about what the day has held. We eat our dinner, watch a movie or some South Park episodes (I don’t remember, and I think I fell asleep). Before bed, I email the detectives’ contact information to all the sibs and spouses.

I fall into dreamless sleep, exhausted.
_________________________________________________________________

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The Year of the Pithy

02 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in a better world, Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Advice, Anxiety, Art, Care, Caregiving, Change, Compassion, Confidence, Courage, Disappointment, Discouragement, Empathy, Epiphany, Fear, Fearlessness, Forgiven, Generosity, Gifts, Gratitude, Growth, Guide, Heart, Honesty, Kindness, Light, Mindfulness, Mother, Neuroscience, Pain, Passion, Path, Patience, Peg Streep, Pithies, Power, Regret, Resolutions, Resolve, Safety, Self-examination, Stories, Strength, Success, Trust, Values, Worthy, Writing, Zazzle

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#PsychologyWithSoul, blog, CKSWarriorQueenArt, Claudia Karabaic Sargent, collaboration, creative, Facebook, memes, neuroscience, peg streep, Pithies, Pithy, Psychology Today, success

So, I know you remember what my friend Peg Streep and I started working on last year. I talked about it here and here.

In case you don’t remember — We have come up with a growing collection of graphic quotes that we call “Pithies”. You know the memes you see all over the internet, that presume to give you advice or make observations, sometimes spiritual, sometimes psychological, and usually accompanied by mundane and cliched pictures? We wanted to reinvent that. We wanted to combine smart advice, grounded in neuroscience and psychology, with a spiritual bent, good writing, and thoughtful, interesting imagery. We call them “Pithies” because we are offering more substance than your average meme.

Peg does the writing, and I do the art and design. We hope you will enjoy the fruits of our labors enough to want to share them with your friends and families. VERY SOON, we’re going to be launching an online storefront with pretty and useful things featuring our Pithies.

Just to remind you what we’ve done so far, here’s a glimpse. You can see more on my Facebook fan page and Peg’s FB Author Page, as well as catching up with the other things we work on independently. You should check out Peg’s Psychology Today blog “Tech Support”, too, where she writes about relationship issues in the digital age.

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November 15th ~ Joy, Peace, & Happiness

15 Saturday Nov 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Abundance, All, Anxiety, Ask, Awe, Believe, Blessings, Blessings in Disguise, Calm, Comfort, Compassion, Constancy, Courage, Disappointment, Discouragement, Distress, Divine, Eternity, Faith, Fear, Fearlessness, God, Grace, Gratitude, Happiness, Help, Hope, Humility, Joy, Light, Listen, Loving-kindness, Mercy, Pain, Peace, Power, Praise, Prayer, Serenity, Strength, Sustenance, Trust, Truth

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blessings, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, faith, fearlessness, God, gratitude, happiness, Illuminations, joy, love, peace, strength, trust

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November 14th ~ Make Friends

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Anxiety, Appreciation, Believe, Calm, Comfort, Complaint, Concern, Contentment, Disappointment, Discipline, Discouragement, Distress, Divine, Faith, Faithfulness, God, Grace, Help, Loving-kindness, Serenity, Strength, Suffering, Sustenance, Trouble, Trust, Truth

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daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, God, God will help you, help, Illuminations, Make friends, trials, tribulations

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September 13th ~ You Can’t Always Get What You Want

13 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Ask, Believe, Blessings, Blessings in Disguise, Complaint, Disappointment, Discouragement, Dreams, Epiphany, Gifts, Giving Thanks, God, God Is Love, Gratitude, Help, Love, Loving-kindness, Patience, Prayer, Providence, Strength, Sustenance, Thanks, Trust

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ask, But if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, faith, gratitude, Illuminations, patience, pray, prayer, You can't always get what you want

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…but you get what you need…
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May 24th ~ Peaceable Fruit

24 Saturday May 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Blessings, Blessings in Disguise, Countenance, Disappointment, Epiphany, Forbearance, Gifts, Goodness, Grace, Ingratitude, Mindfulness, Serenity, spiritual struggle, Tranquility, Trouble

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ailment, annoyance, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, disappointment, Illuminations, peaceable fruit, spring and ripen, vexatious

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May 12th ~ Guide Me

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Anxiety, Believe, Blessings, Change, Courage, Disappointment, Do Your Best, Evenness, Faith, Faithfulness, Grace, Gratitude, Loving-kindness, Peace, Prayer, Tranquility, Trust

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changes, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, Guide me, Illuminations, spirit, tranquility

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May 9th ~ Give and Take

09 Friday May 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in a better world, Acceptance, Advocacy, Compassion, Conscience, Creativity, Disappointment, Excellence, Faith, Faithfulness, Generosity, Gifts, Giving Thanks, God, Grace, Gratitude, Grief, Illumination, Joy, Kindness, Love, Loving-kindness, Patience, Positive Thinking, Safety, Selfishness, Selflessness, spiritual struggle, Spirituality, Success, Sustenance, The Universe, Time, Trouble, Trust, Truth, Values, Voting, Work, Worthy, YMCA, YouthBuild

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"right" work, All things work together for good, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, family, grief, Illuminations, loss, love, sorrow, work, working on it

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The vine in the border of this illustration is called “bittersweet”, and it’s pretty much a metaphor for my life right now. Three weeks from today is Flushing YMCA YouthBuild’s last day, unless we win a grant in the next round. We submitted our application last month, and we have truly wonderful results from this last cycle; but our results aren’t enough to keep us funded from June 1st until the 2014 round of US Department of Labor grants is announced late this summer. All of staff got our 60 day notices from the YMCA Administrative Office on March 31st, telling us that, unless an alternative source of funding appeared, all of our positions would be terminated as of May 30th, when our USDOL grant ends.

I’ve known it was coming; I’ve had the notice on my wall since I got it. Knowing something is coming doesn’t mean that even a rational person won’t experience some form of denial in the face of a loss so painful. I’ve been looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and watching the headlights get bigger and brighter every day, and hoping and praying for a miracle that hasn’t come (yet). I’ve said the prayers at the same time I’ve been doing the due diligence to make a miracle happen. I’ve tried to tap resources that aren’t mine to mine, and who knows? Maybe something will come from that. But right now, the count is fourteen more workdays and it’s not looking good.

Here’s what’s true and real:
Right now, there are ten students who are in or who have completed trade school or college, all of whom were high school dropouts less than three years ago. There are at least three more who are headed for college in September and all of them have their educations paid for by scholarships and grants. More than three quarters of our graduates got their high school equivalency diplomas, a construction industry credential, or both. The overwhelming majority have had at least one job placement since they started with us; at least two-thirds of those who had placements in employment or higher education after graduation from our program kept those placements. More than two-thirds increased their reading or math scores by at least one grade level (and some by as many as four or five) since they entered our program. These students– almost all of whom had no knowledge of construction when they started with us– completed a gut renovation of an apartment in a housing project in the Bronx. This apartment is a fifth-floor walkup; every bit of 4′ x 8′ sheetrock, every tool, and the morning of the ribbon-cutting, even the refrigerator and the stove had to come up the tight turns of those five stories. That apartment was a shell when they started; now, it’s a home for a family.

That’s what $1.1 million in taxpayer money bought over a period of forty months; sixty-two young lives redeemed, a new family of students and staff created by bonds of love, a new home for a family in need.

Here’s something else that’s true and real: it would take all of $75,000 to keep this program in place until September 1st.

The Lord gave (me this amazing job), and the Lord hath taken away (our funding, for now); blessed be the name of the Lord (who I believe has a plan, but I wish I knew what that plan is).

I hope we get the grant in this next round, and that all members of our staff family will still be available, and that we have the opportunity to serve and reclaim another amazing group of students who have been discarded by the system as unworthy.

We await what comes, with love and anticipation.
I AM READY.
_________________________________________________________________________________
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April 26th ~ Am I What I Am?

25 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Acceptance, Accountability, Anxiety, Attentiveness, Courage, Diligence, Disappointment, Discipline, Do Your Best, Epiphany, Faithfulness, Humility, Illumination, Memories, Patience, Perplexity, Truth

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Am I Always What I Am?, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, Illuminations, Truth

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February 21st ~ Be Careful What You Wish For….

21 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by ckswarriorqueen in Blessings, Disappointment, Dreams, Gratitude, Patience, Trust, Truth, Wishes

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be careful what you wish for, daily devotional, Daily Strength for Daily Needs, Illuminations, True that, wish come true

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True, that.

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Claudia Karabaic Sargent (CKSWarriorQueen)

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