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backstroke, body image, breaststroke, bullying, communities, confrontation, epithet, exercise, fast lane, fat prejudice, fearlessness, freestyle, health, insult, intermediate lane, lap lanes, lifeguard, responsibility, slow lane, weight loss, YMCA
I had a really bad experience today.
I was bullied and insulted out of a lap lane at my local Y by an adult woman. She was not a child or a teenager; she was at least 30 years old. She was aggressive and confrontational; she pursued me into the adjoining lane after I left the lane I’d been swimming in.
This is what happened:
I got to my Y at 10 o’clock this morning. It was practically empty, because this was the first Sunday of the summer schedule; very few people were aware that the large pool had opened an hour earlier than usual.
There were only about ten people swimming, mostly in the shallow end, when I got there. The three lap lanes were empty. There was one young female lifeguard. There was no music. It was blissfully quiet. I thought it would be a perfect day to swim laps, at least until the pool got more crowded as we got closer to the regular opening time of 11AM.
I breaststroked out to the deep end, and asked the lifeguard if the lap lanes were open to swimmers wanting to use them. She said they were, and so, after warming up with a few more laps, I made my way across the deep end of the fast and intermediate lanes. The slow lane (the one I use) is the one against the far wall, across the the full width of the pool.
It was empty, and it was bliss. I swam several full sets of laps (breast/elementary back/free/back). As I was just past midway through a backstroke lap, my hand brushed against the shoulder of an elderly gentleman who had just joined me in the slow lane, and who was swimming freestyle in the opposite direction. I see Peter almost every Sunday; we often open the pool together. I apologized for brushing against him and we each continued swimming, him toward the deep end, me toward the shallow end. I passed the line of flags; in my peripheral vision, I could almost see the ladder at the pool’s end. My right hand brushed against another body; I righted myself, being almost at the wall, and turned to see a woman in a black swimsuit, black cap, and dark goggles, glaring at me.
The intermediate lane and fast lane were still empty of swimmers; the open swim area still had only about ten people in it, mostly in the shallow end.
“So sorry”, I said.
“WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING” she stormed. “JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE SWIMMING BACKWARDS DOESN’T MEAN YOU DON’T WATCH”.
“Um, I was in my lane, and I don’t have eyes on top of my head. You could have moved out of the way, since you clearly saw me.”
“Don’t be smart with me” she said.
Then, she VERY LOUDLY called me “fat”.
I told her that she should just leave me alone. There was plenty of room to swim, and she didn’t have to be where I already was.
I moved to the empty intermediate lane; breaststroked out to the deep end, elementary backstroked to the shallow end, where I was met by my abuser, who had pursued me into my new lane, bent on continuing the confrontation.
She told me I was “slow” and that I “didn’t belong” in the lap lane. She said “Go swim in the open area, go take care of yourself, you’re too fat to swim here.”
I swam to the deep end, and called over to the lifeguard.
I told her what had happened; that the bully had been aggressive, had called me “fat”, and that in response to her behavior, I’d moved out of the lane I was in, and she had pursued me and continued to insult me.
I said I didn’t think that was appropriate behavior for a place like the Y. I’m a dues-paying member. I have a right to swim without being aggressively pursued and insulted.
I told the lifeguard how I had come to the Y to learn how to swim after not being in the water at all for the last thirty-five years. I told her how I worked my way through beginner and intermediate swim, and that I swam laps four days a week, and how I was the swimming program’s damn poster child or should be.
I was so upset that I was practically in tears.
I was five years old again, inside.
I felt exactly the way I had so many years ago, when I was bullied and pursued the same way by kids my own age for the same reasons and with the same epithets.
The bully approached; the lifeguard said she’d speak to her. She told the bully to stay in the slow lane, and told me I could stay in the intermediate lane. She told the bully to stay away from me.
That was the extent of what the lifeguard did.
Was it enough?
The bully continued swimming in the slow lane, using a kickboard, along with Peter, who is also a slow swimmer. I continued swimming in the intermediate lane, alone with my thoughts.
These are my thoughts:
Why is fat prejudice still an acceptable prejudice?
Why isn’t it treated the same way as other forms of prejudice?
If I were a black woman, and the bully had called me “nigger”, would she still have been allowed to stay and swim?
How about if I were Latina, and she’d called me a “spic”?
How about if I were Asian, like 90% of the people who use my Y, and she’d called me a “chink”?
I joined the Y to improve my health through swimming.
I went from not knowing how to swim to swimming laps four times a week for at least an hour in the last six months.
I average five to six hours of laps every week.
I’ve lost eighteen pounds since I started in January.
No one except my husband will ever know what it took for me for finally get out of my studio and into a swimming pool.
My bully doesn’t know any of this about me.
Because when she looked at me, all she saw was a 222 lb. woman with very big thighs.
I think she thought that was the only important thing about me.
I think my very presence was distasteful to her.
She doesn’t know that I’m an artist and a writer.
She doesn’t know that I sang lead at church for many years, and that I sang solo at each of my sisters’ weddings.
She doesn’t know that I have been happily married to the love of my life for thirty-four years.
She doesn’t know that I was one of the best students in my high school graduating class, or that I missed being salutatorian by .75 of a percentage point because I had cut gym so often it affected my marks.
She doesn’t know that two years ago, I spent four days looking for my missing elderly father.
She doesn’t know that I’ve had to rebuild my life several times over.
She doesn’t know that swimming is one of my lifelines now.
All she knows is that I am fat, and I was in her way, and so it was okay to bully and insult me, loudly and repeatedly, in a public place.
Because calling someone “fat” is not the same as calling someone “nigger” or “spic” or “chink”.
Because fat prejudice is the one prejudice that’s still okay to express out loud.
That’s why the kids who bullied Karen Klein, the Bus Monitor, thought it was okay to talk to her the way they did.
No one’s going to start an Indiegogo fund for every fat person who has ever been bullied for their weight. And while money is certainly very nice (and I did contribute to Karen’s vacation fund), what would be nicer would be to live in a world where my worth as a human being is not gauged by the number on my scale.
So, are you prejudiced?
No?
ARE YOU SURE?
What’s the first thing that goes through your mind when you see someone who is chunky, or overweight, or fat, or obese, or as big as a whale?
Do you see the person? or do you see the weight?
Is he or she less of a person to you, because of his or her size?
Why do you feel that way?
Do you think those thoughts and feelings are valid, or are they based on mindless prejudice?
Are some types of prejudice more acceptable than others?
Is any kind of prejudice acceptable?
Why or why not?
What would you have done if you were me?
What would you have done if you were the lifeguard?
I really want to know.
I really want the Y to know, too. I’ll be sending the link to this blogpost to the Executive Director, the Membership Director and the Aquatics Director.
Thank you, in advance, for sharing your thoughts.
stephanie said:
I am so sorry that happened to you. It actually happened to me too, at my local pool. I am always struggling to balance my health and wellness physically, with my health and wellness emotionally. After it happened to me at the pool, that I paid 567 dollars for a year..and deserved to be there just as much as anyone else, I dropped out. It seemed harder to get myself there, even though I loved it so much. I felt like I had battled my whole life for other things, and now that I am “fat” there is yet another battle. How ignorant that woman was and will continue to be. How ignorant society is. People have all sorts of vices, and I am always amazed how there are acceptable ones: smoking, drugs, alcohol…and if you said you have been in rehab..you get a standing ovation..but if you are fat, people. assume you are lazy, have no standards, and are useless…I applaud you for your successes..and your accomplishments…I applaud you for standing up for your rights…I applaud you for being you…and understanding the depth of someone’s stupidity….should not stop you. Please please don’t let it stop you….yes, it is acceptable to berate, laugh at and verbally assault “fat” people in society. This is not new. It happened to my mother…it’s happened to me..it’s happened to you. It’s the reason why some people choose to stay fat, rather than risk being made fun of anymore. It’s funny how my students, my students, not the rest of the students in the school, feel so much of the love I give out to them, they truly don’t see my fat. They see my inside. You also show and give so much..that your inner beauty shines…that woman must be blind is all I have to say..or perhaps she is jealous of your beauty..because you are oh so beautiful…inside and outside. Claudia, you go back there..and continue your wellness…Screw the ignorant woman…and perhaps she will grow in time to see your beauty..if not…it’s really her loss, after all, isn’t it! Keep swimming….keep swimming…use her words to empower you…and move you further along…rather than slow your stroke……keep swimming….breathe..imagine yourself healthy..and swim, girl, swim!
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Steph, you know I won’t let a bully stop me from doing the things I want to do. Last night I even dreamed I got thrown of a lecture because I (politely) corrected the lecturer on her subject. In my dream, I saw Frank standing in the background, bemusedly shaking his head, while the lecturer stood in front of me, yelling at me and calling me by a name that wasn’t mine.
I stood up to her (yes, even in my dream) and said, “My name is Claudia Sargent. Call me by my right name. Do you want to see my ID?”
When I told Frank my dream this morning, he said “See? Even in your dreams, you make trouble.” He said it with a proud smile.
I am always and ever a warrior now. This incident caught me offguard; all of a sudden, I was the little girl who ran home to Mom when the other kids were mean.(I had thought that little girl was long gone, but I guess not.)
This time, I walked home and blogged and sent the blog to the honchos at the Y, who called me to come in and meet with them, which I did, and which I posted about here: http://wp.me/p2ajcN-7m
BTW, if you still want to, I think you should go back to your pool, too. You said it: You have the same right to be there as every other person who is a member. If it’s a public facility, go to the town; if it’s private, go to the board. There should be a code of conduct that all members have to abide by.
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Lara Britt said:
First, I’m sorry that you had to experience this.
I’m overweight now but part of my resistance to confronting the issue with more vigor is that I was uncomfortable with people’s reaction to me as a thin person. I believe your issue speaks to how women are objectified. Because of the stress on our looks and commodification, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. And not so ironically, other women are often much more aggressive about torpedoing those that either are significantly more attractive or less attractive than themselves.
Are we prejudice? I believe everyone is. It’s a matter of degree of self-awareness and constant self-improvement that separates us all on this score.
My guess is that the lifeguard didn’t take action because you both were of the same category, adult and female. If you had been in a category that is historically suppressed like the ones you mentioned in your piece or if you had been harassed by a man, I think the lifeguard would have acted more forcefully.
Punishment or education? Banishment or privilege? How do we build a community of flawed people (because we all are works in progress) that feels inclusive and safe?
I don’t pretend to have the definitive answer to that but I like to ponder the question. It helps me get further along the continuum.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Lara. I agree with your contention that this behavior is the natural outgrowth of the objectification of women.
When I met with the Y supervisor on Tuesday, he agreed that the lifeguard was “out of her depth” with this situation, and added that they were using the incident as a training tool. She was a young woman who had never lifeguarded at an Adult Open Swim before. I hope someone told her that what she experienced is not the way things usually go at the Y’s Adult Open Swims.
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Beth J.P. Ritter said:
Just a quick thought for now: I can’t even begin to imagine the amazing dialogues your horrendous experience will begin to open up. For now, I feel such immature hatred for the ignorant woman (and, yes, she’s ignorant, and has problems herself to be able to treat someone this way!). I’ll allow myself this reaction, as I’m only human, and care about you. I have to think about all of this, and resist the impulse to ask to go with you next time. How about a swim? I can only do the slow lane; I’m not as good as good a swimmer as you–or that whatever-she-is.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Beth! You are certainly right about the dialogues, not only here, but on Facebook and Twitter and in real life (as opposed to social media life).
You can join me at the pool ANYTIME. I think we’d have fun. 🙂
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Winona Morris said:
I have often had people treat me with prejudice because I’m overweight. (240 at my highest, 237 currently.) I’ve even had customers at my retail job call me a fat ass, and nothing was done about it other than for me to be told to not let it get to me.
I hate that its OKAY to be prejudice against the obese. Its even ENCOURAGED. Because any ill treatment for us is never out of malice. Oh, no, it is simply “for our own good” because they are “concerned about our health”
Now, I won’t say I’ve never had a prejudice though. Or maybe stereotypical is more the world I’m looking for. But even if I have a bad though I NEVER treat people with anything other than the same respect I would want to be treated with.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Winona. I’m a retail professional too, and have had similar experiences (not as bad as yours). I think it comes back to people thinking they have the right to act on any objectionable thought that may arise in their brains, without thinking those thoughts through. Our public discourse often lacks civility– look at what passes for entertainment, in the form of reality shows. Bad behavior, insults, prejudices are enshrined and put on display and rewarded.
The best way to combat it, I think, is not to accept it. You should not be in the position of having to accept insults from customers, co-workers, management. I hope you keep a log of what happens to you on any given day. Keeping a record could come in very handy someday.
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Kelly Ann Williamson said:
Oh, Claudia, that is terrible. I hate that you had to experience that, but I am confident that you will gain strength from it nonetheless.
My first reaction was to think that this woman must have a low opinion of herself, and just like bullies who are younger and more publicized, she seeks out targets to make herself feel better. That is always how I explain these situations to my teenage daughter, and how it was explained to me as a picked-on, awkward middle and high-schooler.
Someone recently advised me that it is very hard to change people, but we can control our reactions to their misbehaviors. Hold your head high, know your worth, and swim proudly, my friend.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Kelly! I knew that if I wrote about this instead of crying about it, I would feel better. And, I do!
It turned out to be an effective way to start a dialogue, not only here and in my other social media outlets, but with the people in charge of my local Y.
The pen IS, indeed, a mighty tool.
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Jo Ann J. A. Jordan said:
I have to think about how to respond to this, but I wrote about my own struggle with the issue in this blog post: http://hopefuljo.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/365-creativity-project-day-150/
I am very sorry you were bullied and I believe it was so wrong. I also hope you will continue your self care. You are so brave and so worthy. Don’t let others stop your forward momentum.
Fat is such a debilitating condition, but it is not recognized as the troubling issue it is to those of us who struggle with it. We are considered less human because of it and it is so grievously unfair.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, JoAnn, I read your post, and I feel your pain. Please don’t buy into other people’s perception of who you are, based on their own short-sightedness. You have a truly beautiful soul. You have talent, and a good heart, and do you best to light up the world rather than darken it.
I won’t let other people’s perceptions stop me; don’t let them stop you, either.
WE ARE GODDESSES. I am going to be posting about that later.
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Sabra Bowers said:
So sorry this happened to you. I’m feeling your pain. I don’t watch TV (well, haven’t since September) and one of the reasons is because there is so much prejudice against and bullying of fat people. I cannot believe how popular those shows are.
We’ve crossed over the line because we now think normal weight people are fat. Glad you are standing up for yourself. It will make a difference for you and many others.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Sabra. I agree with your point about how the perception of “who is fat” has changed.
Marilyn Monroe would be considered grossly overweight by today’s standards, but not by the standards of post-war America.
Her “sex goddess” image became her destiny, in a negative way, My husband had the opportunity to meet her, at the height of her fame, when he and his father were remodeling her kitchen in Manhattan. He was an all-American teenage boy when he met her; the impression that stayed with him until this day was how sweet, kind and un-self-conscious she was, not just that she was beautiful (which, he said, she definitely was). He said that she also seemed a little sad.
Nowadays, the gossip rags give a great actress like Kate Winslet grief about her very real, womanly body.
When we objectify each other, we take away personhood. We do it every time we respond to the image, or the idea that the image brings to mind, instead of the person in front of us.
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auntviolet said:
First of all Claudia, I want you to know that *I* know how hard it was for you to get to that pool. As another illustrator and writer—and singer too! Gosh, we have so much in common!—I know how I can sit on my ass all day at my computer, or drawing, or writing, day after day, my mind working while my body slumps into stiffness and lumpiness and, finally, physical pain, followed by mental pain and debilitating depression. Once the physical inertia has taken over my body, it will take over my mind and stop the creativity from flowing, so I need to keep that from happening. I am not always successful. If I go to my gym more than once a week, it is indeed a true miracle. Each time I go it’s a miracle. So, I know. I was also smart in school, but not athletic, and even my father was disappointed that I wasn’t a boy, because I am very NOT athletic. So I know. I also used to swim laps in my late 20s–early 30s and it was a huge achievement for me. HUGE achievement.
That said, I wonder how much the recent “War on Fat” on PBS and the rest of the media has allowed stupid people (those poor souls) to assume it’s OK to hate “fat” people now. Has it given them permission to be jerks? There’s a subtle line between being supportive of everyone being trim and healthy, and not putting other people down because they aren’t. And (here comes just one of my prejudices) Americans are often not the most subtle people in the world, with our mind-numbing violent movies and video games, with our SUVs and the commercials that advertise them and reality TV shows that essentially make fun of the “weakest” among us. We are not subtler for a number of other reasons: It is not subtle gentility that allowed people to cross the prairies and the mountains; it is not particularly elegant to wipe out Native American culture or mosquitoes or even to survive as a slave: these people had to be tough to survive. So, we are not the most sensitive of cultures.
That said, I do think there are some prejudices that are better-tolerated than others. Personally, I think mental illness is the Final Frontier on this: When will it not be ok to call someone “psycho” or even just “crazy” or “an idiot.” I am something of a crusader for this cause, as there is mental illness all over my mother’s family (not me, of course, no ma’am), and it’s physical and palpable and has caused much suffering.
But back to “Fat.” Did she actually say, just that word, alone, out loud: “Fat?” Not “Fatso” or “Fatty?” That is really really peculiar. In any case, this woman sounds seriously psychiatrically deranged—not a value judgement, just a…a citizen’s diagnosis. She is *mentally ill*, which doesn’t give her permission to do what she did, but if you could reason with your 5-year-old self (and believe me, mine is pretty vulnerable too), you should tell her to ignore this sick woman, and be glad you’re not HER.
As for the lifeguard, I think this was her first line of attack. This is how people are at their jobs these days: you tell them something, and it barely hits their thick skin. So they do the most mindless, most effortless thing first. For example:
Me (to AT&T Customer Service Rep after 20 solid minutes of The Rat Pack’s Greatest Hits): I was on the phone with AT&T for TWO HOURS yesterday, and STILL didn’t get my issue attended to!
CSR: Yes, ma’am. I see there are a LOT of notes here in your record.” [pause]
Now, common sense tells us that if there are LOTS OF NOTES, that the customer service representative is reading them. But these are troubled times. Are they understaffed? Is this person in Indonesia and hasn’t had a decent glass of clean water in 15 years? Louie C.K. does a funny bit on this: “If I get a person in Pakistan I hang up immediately. How interested are they going to be in my problems? Two of their kids DIED this morning, and they STILL had to go to work.”
So one needs to be persistent. [PREJUDICE ALERT: I happen to hail from a tribe of people who have already weeded out those who aren’t persistent. We’re called “Jews.”]
Me (the Jew): Did you READ the notes in the record?”
This, apparently, didn’t occur to this person. Because, immediately, I was listening to Dean Martin again. Perhaps this person is unable to READ notes, which makes them illiterate. Which is not a value judgement; they simply had such an unfortunate upbringing that they never, for whatever reason (Dyslexia? Christian Fundamentalism? Crack?) learned how to read. I did not say, “Can’t you read???” because that would be rude. I have no idea why they can’t read. But I do wish that my Customer Service Representative knew how to read, because that’s what notes are for.
So, AM I PREJUDICED? Sometimes. But I always take note that I know *absolutely nothing* about that very, very large woman in sweatpants and a halter top toting eight kids and a shopping cart full of non-nutritious, GMO corn-derived, flourescently-colored food. And I try not to make any assumptions about her, because she has a story, and that story goes back a few generations, and for her, just getting out of the house with en ought money to go shopping might make this a GOOD day.
And I definitely do NOT say anything to her when I pass by, but smile and say, “Good afternoon, what adorable children! I hope you’re having a nice day.”
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Caryn, you make so many good points, it’s hard to choose which to address. I will say that you gave me food for thought about my own prejudices. I am prejudiced against stupidity in the form of willful ignorance. It brings out every polysyllabic word in my vocabulary quiver. When confronted by it, I have to mentally put on the brakes in order to stop the flight of poisoned arrows from issuing forth from my mouth. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t.
You make me wonder if what I am seeing is not, in fact, willful ignorance, but mental illness. That’s an affliction for which I have empathy, because I, too, have loved ones who suffer from it.
Thanks for making me look at my own knee-jerk reactions. I appreciate it.
(PS– and yes, my bully did say “Fat”, and said it in pretty much the same way Leo Bloom says it to hurt Max Bialystock, except without the laughs.)
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auntviolet said:
When I re-read my comment and your response to my comment, aside from being impressed that you did, in fact, respond to every comment, I saw that I may have sounded harsher toward you than I intended. The point I wanted to stress was closer to the kind of thing our mommies and/or daddies used to say to us all the time: “She’s more afraid of YOU than you are of HER.” I hated when they said that, because it actually didn’t address my own fear. While this was possibly true regarding tiny pug-faced doglets, it may or may not have been true with this woman. But it’s corollary might be that it must be horrible to be such a miserable/limited/angry person that you go around insulting other people as if we were all still in Junior High.
I hate ignorance also, and am horrified that so much of it exists in the world. I am often the first to mutter to myself, “what an a**hole.” I am notoriously intolerant of those who lean toward the right, for example, which includes, from what I hear, half the US population. However, though I agreed with all the sympathetic voices posted herein, I suggest that we can attain a higher level of consciousness than just piling up “bullies” and “ignorant people” into one big idiot bin. For after all, “a**holes” are just irritating people we don’t know well enough to call “damaged.” And in fact this is why we write: to chip away at de-mystifying hidden human experience. I’d love to have been a fly on her wall for the previous 24 hours. What a great writing assignment that would be!
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Caryn, I took nothing you said as being harsh, and I agree with every point you make you make in this comment as well.
I thought you’d get a kick out of The Producers reference. 🙂
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Veronica Roth said:
Oh Claudia, my heart aches for you. It’s indescribable how horrible people can be. It’s also the most unpleasant thing to get into a confrontation with someone, especially when you have a big, soft, pink heart. I’ve been bullied too; I’m sure most people have. People, if they’re like that, will find some fault with…the freckle on your right arm or the length of your eyelashes. I’d like to share a little line of advice; these are my grandfather’s words. He said: “when bad things happen, hold your head up and act as decently as possible.” It helps me just to hold those words in my heart. Sending you love and strength.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you so much for your kind words, Veronica. Your grandfather gave excellent advice, and (even without knowing it), I tried to follow it.
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janicefried said:
It sounds to me that you handled the situation with this insensitive lout perfectly.
You are an inspiration as your friends can attest. I recently tried to learn the proper way to swim after years of swimming purely for the joy of being in the water and it was daunting to me. For you to make the decision to take this step, succeed to where you have and to keep on going is more important than even you know….I think of you every time I get near the pool. I think of what you’ve been through personally and how therapeutic swimming has become for you.
This person who bullied you isn’t worthy of breathing the same air as you….but sadly, I think we are all guilty of some kind instant assessment of people based on their looks, making judgements before we attempt to get to know the people inside their bodies.
To say it’s unfair is an understatement but unfortunately we do live in a looks obsessed country and the pressure is squarely on us women. To hear of another women being so cruel and careless with her words is disturbing and so hurtful.
I am glad that you will be sending this post to the Y. I hope they issue a statement to their members about this incident and let people know it won’t be tolerated. I also hope they read the comments regarding the post.
We love you and are proud of you.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you so much, Janice. Swimming has become therapeutic for me, and not just the exercise part of it. Swimming has made me a better writer. Swimming has opened me up to the visual arts again in a way that I haven’t been open in years. I AM KEEPING A SKETCHBOOK AGAIN! That’s HUGE.
I can’t take credit for being an inspiration, but I am so happy it’s turned out that way.
I love you, too. ❤
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susan craig said:
Claudia, There will always be over-aggressive people in the world who think the rules don’t apply to them. This is the same group who cut you off in traffic, park in handicapped spots when they are not–except perhaps morally–and blame every bad thing that happens to them on someone else.
It’s a shame you had to have an up-close-and-personal interaction with one of them. But don’t let them–any of them–get you down. You are an awesome and talented person. So you weigh more than average. Big deal. You are out there exercising … for your health. I know the numbers on your scale were not your primary motivation, your health was. There are plenty of skinny gals who need to be out there doing what you do, but aren’t.
And I know how it can hurt, and the feelings of anger and defeat that often come with being too civilized to respond in kind. I admit, I probably wouldn’t have been able to respond at all. But you stood up to her first, and after that didn’t work, you did the civilized thing. When she persisted, you went to authority. It should have gone down differently at that point. But I’ve got to admit, when I was a young woman, I probably would have been too timid to do any more than your lifeguard did. Even now, it would be hard for me to confront someone abusive, if I were the guard. So I say, yeah, she blew it, but consider that she may feel guilty and uncomfortable about the whole incident as well. Forgive her, forgive yourself for not being enough of a creep to punch the bully out, and know that you are loved.
p.s. I would love to weigh what you do! Haven’t been that slim in years.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Susan. We live in a time and place where bullying is the sport-du-jour, even as we decry it. I think that’s why the Karen the Bus Monitor story made such an impact. Any one of us has been/could be/will be Karen. Bullying is the language of our political discourse and mass entertainment. It often leads to physical violence.
I was surprised by how many people were surprised that I didn’t punch my bully out. I only ever hit a bully back once when I was a kid, and while it was VERY satisfying, it isn’t anything I want to repeat.
We can change the culture of bullying if we don’t accept it when it happens. I hope that the dialogue that started with the Karen Kline incident continues. I hope what happened to her, and what happened to me, makes people think differently and act differently.
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DeAnn said:
I am so sorry that this happened to you, Claudia, and please know that I completely understand where you are coming from, having been an obese person for nearly my entire life due to cortisone to treat asthma and allergies during childhood and following that, due to treatment for Crohn’s Disease. I was mercilessly bullied in junior high and high school, with constant epithets, taunts, being spat on, dog poop in my locker, cockroaches in my book bag, and so on. Many of the people who wouldn’t give me the time of day and called me names in high school now want to be my friend on Facebook, which I find highly amusing. Still, I have also been harrassed in gyms before, once when I was only at that gym to interview the manager and the instructors! I fully believe that being fat is one of the last “acceptable” prejudices, and people feel free to make all kinds of assumptions about fat people because they want to feel better about their own wretched selves. Recently, I volunteered (for the 6th time) at a local triathalon where I help people out of the water after their 2 mile swim. Several of the men in the triathalon refused to even look at me or accept a hand up out of the lake, instead preferring to make pig noises and laughing. I felt sorry for them, because they were missing out on a person who could help guide them during the rest of the course. It’s also sad that they don’t know that I was once a ‘regular’ sized person, and I still found that there were people who were complete ass hats to me because they felt insecure around me due to my weight loss. I think that just points to the fact that there are some stupid, insecure, awful people out there who can’t deal with their own insecurities and ugly and instead feel they have to beat down others to feel better themselves. They are people of small soul, and not worth your time.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Well said, DeAnn. The men who refused your hand were not worthy of it. Some day, when they reach out their hands, the other person will refuse them, for reasons good or bad. One hopes that they will remember what that refusal feels like, and never treat another human being with such disdain again.
Thank you for your kind words and your support.
Who we are, inside and out, is not just acceptable, but beautiful and worthy. I will never accept less than I am due, and neither should you.
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Gerry Wilson said:
Claudia, I’m so sorry this happened. How awful. I think it’s smart to send this post to the Y, but I wonder if you’ve considered talking to the manager at the Y one on one–not in a confrontational way (that doesn’t sound like you anyway)–but just to make him/her aware so maybe their staff could be more helpful or better trained in a situation like that in the future. That woman should have been told firmly to leave the pool area. There’s no excuse for that kind of behavior.
I’ve lived long enough to know that when we go through painful experiences, we have to muddle through the hurt with the love and support of friends and a healthy dose of self-respect. But we do grow, and those tough times equip us to help others who might be dealing with similar issues. Just look at the sharing that’s going on right here, right now.
I applaud your learning to swim! That’s wonderful. It’s something I should do; I’m a terrible swimmer, and as I get older, it would be a great option for exercise. So you’ve inspired me, for sure. Love to you, and I hope you’ll keep on doing what you’re doing: getting healthier and feeling better. Don’t let anybody slow you down.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you so much, Gerry! I took up swimming because I thought it was the safest exercise for someone like me, who has always felt awkward in my own body (even when I was thinner). One of the things I really love about it is how weightless I feel in the water. It’s very easy on the joints. I never expected to be swimming laps for an hour to an hour and a half three or four times a week only six months after starting.
If you’re looking for a safe exercise, this is the one. Try it– I bet you will LOVE it!
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Jennifer Chow said:
Hi Claudia,
Sorry to hear about what happened to you. I think it’s amazing and inspiring that you worked so hard at swimming and have such fabulous skills. It’s too bad the other woman judged so quickly.
I have to agree with Lara about prejudice, though. “It’s a matter of degree of self-awareness and constant self-improvement that separates us all on this score.” And opinions come not from ourselves alone, but we’re shaped by societal influence and family upbringing as well. Sometimes we need to take a step back and not listen to mistaken voices from around us.
As far as the lifeguard goes, I think she probably took the easy way out. She wanted to satisfy both customers by keeping you both in the pool but in separate lanes.
I hope this situation gets resolved for you in a positive way.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you for your support, Jennifer. It all resolved very well; I met last Tuesday with the second-in-command at the Flushing Y and had a very productive discussion, which I posted about in a followup post, here: http://wp.me/p2ajcN-7m
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sorrygnat said:
That is so horrible what you had to go through. Some day memories of it will fade. I was overweight one time and walking in sweats on the campus and boys hooted, and i let it go, because people can’t see the real person. I think all of us with all tpes of bodies, not perfect, have courage to go to the pool; i root for everupme/
what a horrible person she was; I wouldn’t want to be her, to have her soul at t he moment. good for you; yes you are wonderful , love and hugs esther
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Esther. I agree that I would rather be me, than be her.
My bully was at the pool yesterday; I saw her when she came in, and when she left. There was no confrontation, maybe because this week, I was doing my laps in the open swim area; when I arrived, there were already two people in the slow lap lane (she was not one of them, but she did join them).
I only swim the lap lane if there’s just one other person, or if it’s empty, so I don’t hold up the works. I am gaining speed with practice, though, and soon I’ll be able to hold my own with ANYONE.
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Emily said:
Well, yes, we are all guilty of being prejudice on some level…isn’t that what the Holocaust museum says when you first enter the door? We think we’re immune but we’re not. However, by realizing we are and seeing this potential in ourselves, we make the world better and our selves stronger.
I’m plus sized, tall and an artist as well. I get the evil eye for several reasons…but what I’ve learned is, who cares what other people think. Some will say, you’re a poor artist, give it up and get a “real” job. Still others will say too bad she’s so fat, she’d be so pretty without that weight (heard that most of my life). It’s gotten to the point, where I do my best and am proud of what I’ve done. If we listen to anyone outside of our own opinion, we’re going to lose our selves and worst of all, be a punching bag to every ignorant jerk out there.
The stories we’ve heard or seen about prejudice, historically aimed as minority groups, are ones to learn from. How did these people respond? How did they handle it? Keep your chin up and keep doing what makes you happy. You did the best thing, reporting to the life guard…now, report her to the Y. Make sure she has a paper trail following her. Get dialogue going at the Y about how people treat heavier folks, make something good happen out of this. There are many girls and boys who are picked on because of their weight/health issues and we, as adults, need to stand up for them. Love your article here. 🙂
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Emily. I couldn’t agree more, and I did exactly what you outlined here.
I appreciate your support; I agree that, by speaking out and acting positively against such negative behavior, we can make things easier for those who find it harder to fight back.
We are all in this together, and no one gets out alive.We may as well work together to make it better for each other while we’re here.
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sirbruce8 said:
The good news is you can and are changing your physical state. Always beautiful on the inside. Sadly she could be a super model and still be ugly.Sad that she’s paralyzed this way. I hope she has a life lesson and adjusts her attitude and behavior this life time. Or it may take a few dozen more.
I have a different criteria than most. I don’t care if someone is fat, ignorant, crazy or slow. I don’t care if someone is wealthy, beautiful, intelligent or sophisticated.
What matters to me is anyone who has no desire to hurt someone else is tops in my book. Too many people have thoughts of causing harm to others, in advance or in response. Thoughts are energy and supports that thought form. It diminishes us all. So, sad for her. But good for you. For a few moments of crap thrown your way you have an extended outpouring of love and support. Your Angels must have felt you needed a boost. Funny how they work.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you, Bruce. My angels always work overtime, sometimes because I need the boost, but mostly because they just like to stay in touch. The love and positive energy is always there, always around; sometimes we need to be reminded to tap into it (at least, sometimes I do).
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Peg said:
I am so sorry this happened to you.
On the simplest level, the staff at the Y is responsible for maintaining civility in its space, among its members. The staff should be trained to enforce rules of civility and it shouldn’t take throwing a punch for the staff to recognize that someone is being harassed, bullied, or aggressed upon.
What the woman said had nothing to do with you, of course. You were simply
conveniently there, from her point of view, so she could rain her anger on a stranger, and she assumed she could do so without consequence.
Our culture’s definitions of beauty and self-worth are closely bound to the body and issues of weight, especially when it comes to women. Would this woman have insulted an overweight man? I doubt it. Ed Klein recently said — under the guise of “health” for a 2016 run — that Hillary Clinton looked “overweight” and “tired.” If I remember correctly, the now-svelte Bill Clinton wasn’t when he was President, and neither was his Vice-President. But overweight men get a pass that women don’t.
This is famously mocked in the movie “It’s Complicated” when ex-spouses, played by Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin, sleep together. She wraps herself in a sheet, since she says her body isn’t what it once was, while the decidedly overweight Alec Baldwin lies in bed, proudly, like a pin-up.
It’s a cultural dictum: thin is good, and fat isn’t. And along with it come a host of assumptions about the person who is one or the other. Mix that with some ignorance and anger and, voila, you have the woman in the pool.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thanks so much, Peg. I agree that men aren’t subjected to same stringent weight rules as women, but they are recipients of weight prejudice in other forms.
When I was in high school, I often dated with young men who were heavier than average. Once, my mother asked me if I chose heavier boyfriends because I wanted to look thinner next to them; she was only half-serious. I chose the men I chose because I liked who they were. It never occurred to me to reject going on a date with someone I liked because other people thought he was too heavy. Yet, I had many girlfriends who did so regularly, and who went so far as to criticize my choices in boyfriends.
Fat prejudice costs people jobs; it costs people friendships, relationships, marriages; it diminishes available human capital.The current anti-obesity thrust in media is just another way to enshrine a personal prejudice as socially acceptable. For anyone who wants to do some reading on the subject, Fat Politics and The Obesity Myth are good places to start.
A lot of the “facts” about obesity that we are being fed by the media are as wrong as the “facts” that used to be broadcast and communicated about other marginalized groups.
We have to look, and see, beyond mere appearance, and stop judging people based on appearance, The wrongheadedness of an emphasis on a person’s appearance over the content of that person’s character was addressed by no less a modern hero than Dr. Martin Luther King.
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holahallo said:
Reading your story has me almost in tears because I know exactly what that’s like. I could write a dissertation on how fat prejudice is the most acceptable form of prejudice out there but I’ll keep it short I guess. It just baffles me most of all how society is always saying “put down the food” or “just exercise” and then when someone does that and tries to improve their health, they get bullied along the way. Because it’s never good enough. They will say you’re losing too much weight, they will give you dirty looks and make you feel embarrassed. They will teach their kids to be disrespectful too and make fun of you (to your face or not). And I really agree with someone above who said it’s all about the objectification of women. Of course, fat men experience these remarks as well but I really don’t think I’d be exaggerating to say that they have a much bigger leeway before they are really considered “fat” and not just manly or something. That’s why we call it a beer belly on guys but muffin top on girls. So yeah I hate to hear stories like this and I hope that that bitch gets her karma someday. I think you handled the situation like a class act. You’re completely right – she doesn’t know you (sadly) and never will because she is so caught up in appearances. Body policing needs to stop…
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ckswarriorqueen said:
April, did I ever tell you that you are one of the people who inspired me to get out of the studio and into the pool? You are. I am so grateful to you; you gave me the courage to go out and buy my first swimsuit in thirty-five years, and take my first swimming lessons,
All last summer, I saw the beach and pool pictures you posted of yourself, with Alyssa, and all of your friends.You always look happy, relaxed, at ease in your own body in those pictures. You made me want to feel that way too.
You are smart, talented, and beautiful. Please note that I am not qualifying my compliment by saying you are beautiful “in your own way”.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, IN EVERY WAY.
I hope you will take my experience and response to heart the same way I took your pictures to heart.
I really hope that we get to go the beach or pool together this summer. We are BEAUTIFUL, April. We are GODDESSES.
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holahallo said:
Reblogged this on …doch vielleicht is so ein feiges Wort and commented:
Reblog. Not that people read my blog but if they do they should see this!
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keynoncoaching said:
What an incredible conversation you started here! Thanks for causing us all to take that step back and consider our prejudices. As somebody who has always (and continues) to struggle with weight, this is something I too have seen and felt. Your questions at the end are wonderful, thought prevoking ones that we should all ask ourselves. Think what a better world we could create if we could eliminate prejudice and bullying!
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Kathy, I couldn’t agree more with your last point. The only way to do that is to refuse to accept bullying and prejudice on the basis of appearance. I did as a child, but I’m a grown-up now. I can fight back with words and actions; that is WAY more rewarding the feel of my fist on someone’s jaw, and it has the advantage of being both legal and socially acceptable.
We never have to accept someone’s else’s idea of how acceptable we are, and we never should.
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Pingback: Followup to “Are You Prejudiced?” « CKSWarriorQueen
thegraveyardpress said:
Reblogged this on thegraveyardpress and commented:
For those who think it’s OK to hate on someone because they are fat. It isn’t.
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ckswarriorqueen said:
Thank you so much for the reblog. I hope you enjoy the responses and the dialogue that has ensued from my original post.
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Muddy Kinzer said:
Wow! What an awful experience and what a fabulous number of supportive comments! Not much I can add to the great insights above, except to keep doing your thing, Warrior Queen. You did nothing wrong!
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sorrygnat said:
the slings and arrows of misfortune or voices judging comes to quickly; happened to my husband and I today; i know i can use this as a spiritual tool, but will not deny i cried; i was just thinking, you have to not look at the personality; it’s what people do, and i try never ever to judge, i hear it within if I do, okay all out there, blessings and have a good day; it’s 100 where we are in CA, Bill has just opened a fudgsicle
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